It’s two days before the new year kicks in and I’m writing this from a hotel room in Soho NYC after I just landed a couple of hours ago. Everything feels like a bit of a rush lately, and that is explained by the back to back travel that can easily be the main theme of 2019 for me. Travel after travel after travel, and it’s all been for a very good reason, in fact so good that the fullness and gratitude I feel for everything that has come my way this year really overrides the sense of urgency that comes with changing places too often. NYC is busy but sweet, and I can’t wait for all the festive happenings that we’ve planned ourselves into over the next week.

Wow 2019, what a year it’s been. I started writing an IG post about this which turned so long I realised I better write a whole blogpost. This is a practice of closure and further opening, to go back, evaluate, put together in thought and feeling, become clear in what I want to focus on from now on and then solidify by sharing.

New work

This year for me has been an incredible time of self-growth and expansion. It is my second year after I quit my previous life - working for Google in London, and although last year was the beginning of a journey towards the complete unknown, this year was about making the first real steps in establishing a new version of myself. It’s been an incredibly creative year; starting January 2019 I launched three new brands in total, albeit one of them didn’t quite make it in the end; the other two are standing and growing with many, many ideas in the works for next year. Creating from my deepest authentic core has been my absolute priority since I started on this journey two years ago; that while being committed to creating in such a way that I get to contribute to the consciousness shift that is currently happening on the planet. That is to do something purposeful, that aims to leave the world a better place; for this year, it’s been all around personal transformation, through intensive nature experiences (into the wild within) and every day conscious living (living on source).

My work with Joren for into the wild within has taken me on an amazing ride of learning while throwing myself in the deep! Standing in front of groups to tell my story in the beginning of our expeditions has been a difficult thing to get comfortable doing, and at the same time incredibly healing. Teaching and sharing my knowledge and experience and seeing the impact on people’s process is one of the most gratifying and fulfilling things I’ve ever done. Offering a combination of nature and healing practices is like a dream coming true, what I want to do in my daily life we offer as our work. Not all has been rosy, and especially not all the time; this work is confronting, and thus hard, but at the same time a super highway for my own personal transformation. To stand in front of people and share from the heart requires that I’ve shed all my tears, all my traumas and all my insecurities. The more I do that the more I can be there for our groups, and if I don’t do it enough then the impact will be right there to confront me. It’s hard hard work, but it’s all so worth it and I’m deeply committed to the challenge.

And of course, this is the year that my personal brand was born - living on source! I couldn’t possibly describe enough the unrest I felt all year before I start this new project. I knew it in my heart that I had to start something that I could put my whole being into, unlike into the wild within which is a very specific kind of offering that we have, I wanted to be able to express myself fully through this new creation. It still feels like super early days, with only three months since I launched this website. I haven’t been as busy as I would like with it, so many ideas are flooding in my mind about things to write about, themes of events to offer and online programs. So much knowledge and practice experience from my personal journey of the last few years needs to be shared and this is definitely the right avenue for me at the moment.

Relationships

This year has seen unprecedented growth in my relationships. Joren and I have now entered a new kind of relating that is so intimate and real that sometimes I need to stop myself and remind me how much we’ve both grown, together but also individually. After a very tough summer (remember, the two eclipses and all?) where a lot of our hidden sides where purged onto the surface, and a lot, a lot of conscious deep work around our personal blocks and patterns, I feel that we’ve shaken off much of our co-depended tendencies, and we are able to see each other for who we are. Conflict is still there but we now see it as an opportunity as opposed to something negative about the state of our relationship, because through conflict we can work through what triggers us. We are definitely much faster in taking responsibility for ourselves, and can move forward in a constructive way, with something to learn or to work on. Through all this we actively support each other’s growth with such integrity, and that is so healing for the both of us also individually. Wow I’m so proud on us and all the way we’ve come through, I feel like we’re totally different people than when we met three years ago. More on relating coming up on my blog, as relationship is the highest yoga, as says Yogi Bhajan, meaning it is through relationships we can work through the transformation process the fastest. I can definitely attest to that, a hundred percent.

And another relationship that has come to a much more peaceful and smoother plane this year is that with my mother. For years I held very strong emotions around this relationship, due to a lot of childhood experiences that were quite traumatic for my young me and that I always blamed her for it. Emotions of mainly suppressed anger, and sadness for not having my needs met as a child, have been really holding me back in becoming the person I want to be, and I’ve consciously been working through this in the past few years. This work involved a lot of energy shifting, through many different practices like yoga, and breath, but also self psychology, hypnosis, and plant medicine. The changes have been slow but steady, and I’ve been feeling more and more at ease with myself and my mother in the last year for sure. This year ended with having her over to Amsterdam to meet Joren’s parents, something that I wouldn’t have seen as possible even just a few months ago. What changed my mindset on it all was that I realised that I had to focus on what I want, instead of keep replaying the cassette of what happened in the past. We cannot change the past, but we can move forward by working towards the way we want things to be. It’s not that I’m not still angry about what happened in the past, but I’ve reached a place now that I don’t allow that to have an impact on how I want my life to be. For example, I really wanted to have a family Christmas experience this year, I felt that would be very healing for me and I knew that everyone would be happy with it, our parents on both sides. And so that is what I focused on, and by being clear on my intention throughout the time we were all together I managed to stay calm when being triggered - something that I was never able to do in the past without exploding into a reaction citing something that happened in the past. My god..I’m so proud of myself for reaching this place; I can’t express enough how relieving it feels to not be ruled by my emotions in family situations anymore. I won’t say it’s easy, or that it’s now done forever, it’s not, it takes a lot of work, constant work; I did my practice every morning those days with commitment and stayed true to my intention throughout. More on parental relationships is coming on my blog, as I feel very strongly on sharing my learnings on this process which is so relatable to most people out there.

Personal wins

I’ve never followed my heart’s desires more than this year, and wow how awesome it feels to do that! Some of you may remember how I spent last summer on a Greek island with Joren, which as romantic as it sounds it actually ended up being a very intense time for us as I mentioned above already. At the end of it I took the decision to go traveling on a whim, with the intention to be away for at least a month and go do something expanding for myself. Within two weeks I was on a plane to California; my intention was to explore the kundalini yoga community in LA, and oh how incredibly expanding that was..I went deep into this totally transformational yogic technology and found myself a global community of women that are oozing feminine power in a modern world context - exactly what I was looking for. Sometimes when you don’t have what you want around you, you have to go out there and find it, wherever it is. Being alive in this moment in time means that we have opportunities like never before; we can fly wherever we want, we can access any kind of information or be part of any kind of community in an instant through technology. Let’s use that! Let’s use it for our evolution, it’s there and available to all of us. Right after LA I flew to Peru, where I spent two weeks undertaking a traditional plant medicine dieta as practiced by the Amazonian Shipibo culture. Fasting, silence, solitude and communing with plant spirits in the jungle, this is an experience that can only really be experienced and thus writing about it has taken me more than three months now..that, along with all the travel I’ve been on at the same time. My blogpost about this journey is coming, but what I will say for now is that without this experience I’m not sure I would’ve been able to spend Christmas with my mother this year. After the dieta I spent another week in the Andes on my own, on a deeply nourishing self-care inner quest where lots of the insights that I got in the jungle landed along with a real life plan on how to integrate it all into my reality. Out of this, a very exciting idea was born about what I want to create in 2020 and I can’t wait to work on it as I believe the world needs it. Blogpost about the dieta is still coming, I promise! For now, you can always watch the IG story.

Looking ahead | my 2020 intentions

Grounding

Number one on the list is more time to spread my roots in the ground. So much of this year was about exploration, opening and expanding, what I need now is to integrate, form a strong base from which I can start beaming out all that I know. In real life context, this means less travel, priority in spending time at home, and with that creating a home that I want to spend my time in. Moving to Amsterdam and leaving my super safe well-paid job meant that I had to take a step back in living standards; our little apartment in the old-west is so small that it just doesn’t fit us anymore! Stuff wise and energy wise, we need to upgrade our living and the time is now ripe. 2020 will be the year that Joren & I are buying our first house together in Amsterdam, and you just cannot imagine how much I’m craving that.

Self-care & inner quest

My experience in Peru really highlighted the need to taking care of myself on a more regular basis, my body, my emotional being, nourishing my soul with more ritual, art and practice. In 2020 I’m looking forward to more regularly scheduled time to focus on myself, including periods to detox, be alone, learn a new skill, meditate on my life, work on my spiritual path, my relationship, and my vision.

Manifesting more of my vision

The amount of ideas I’ve had this year is close to millions..and although incredibly elevating and motivating that is, I’m now ready to create create create. Make something out of nothing. My alchemical powers are ready to be put into work. This means biting the bullet and just doing what has been in my mind for months. The time is now!

Community

All this tremendous growth over the last years, along with moving and constant travel has had an impact on my social life. I feel it is time to start putting more work on my close relationships, new relationships that I want to develop more and open the field for new inspiring human beings to enter my sphere.

My tips for this practice

a) Identify the distinct areas in your life where shifts happened; evaluate how the personal work you’ve been doing has impacted those shifts; give yourself a good pat on the back, you deserve it!

b) It may not be your most successful and proudest year and that is ok. 2015 was the worst year of my life; I felt so terrible about myself that any kind of introspection hurt my core and so I avoided it. Even if that is the case, it is important to acknowledge where you are in your process. Having set backs, or going through a rough time doesn’t mean failure. In fact, every success is preceded by lots and lots of perceived failures. I can assure of you that. Don’t beat yourself up if you hadn’t had the best year. Take inventory of what happened, be kind to yourself and use the energetic flow of the transition to start fresh.

c) When setting intentions for the new year, you may not know readily what you want. You can start with what you don’t want, and then form a positive intention out of that. For example, if your living situation is unbearable, like mine and the tiny apartment in Amsterdam, you can start with I don’t want to live in such a tiny and noisy space anymore, and shift that into I’m moving into a new house this year. Making positive intentions helps to form new neural pathways in the brain that help us see the world the way we consciously choose, as opposed to negative ones that tend to charge what we don’t want even more.

ABOUT ELENA & LIVING ON SOURCE

Welcome to my online portal!

I am a former Googler reborn as conscious living advocate, transformational mentor, conscious business advisor, yogini, sound healing practitioner and workshop & retreat facilitator.

I help people connect to their authenticity and harness their innate power so that they can manifest the life they truly desire through individual sessions, group events and retreats.

It is my passion to inspire people into reconnecting with their true desire; I write regularly on the Living on Source journal and curate events to bring the LOS community together in London & Amsterdam.

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