April full moon · pink supermoon
Who’s been having an intense time this full moon period? Well, that was meant as a joke..I’ve been having an intense last three weeks at least - actually even since before the whole pandemic started.
Today’s full moon is the biggest of all supermoons this year - meaning it’s the closest to the earth and thus appears (and is also felt) as the biggest and brightest. I personally can’t distinguish the differences in energy these days, it’s all a big melting pot of emotions, intense fears, leading to breakthroughs, milestones in my relationships along with a feeling of going through some kind of rite of passage with my 33rd birthday taking place yesterday, only to go back to feeling more of these fears and going through the process again and again..it’s been SUCH hard work!
I did take the opportunity though to self-reflect specifically on this supermoon’s energies and it is helping in adding some perspective and clarity in the medley of my emotions right now. Today’s April full moon in Libra, with the sun currently in Aries, is like opposing forces trying to balance out - autonomy and cooperation. A tough one for me, an Aries sun with very clear stance on autonomy and independence, only lately opening up to more of my feminine side of community and cooperation.
The last three weeks - since the pandemic lockdown measures began - have been very hard for me as I wrote last week. Of course finding ways to cope with all these difficult emotions, even coming to breakthroughs, doesn’t mean the work is done - and no matter how terribly annoying that may be, continuing to navigate this transformation terrain is what living consciously and working towards bettering oneself is all about.
feeling the feelings leads to breakthroughs
After incorporating all the self-care possible while living in our tiny apartment with Joren, I did feel more calm and better equipped to cope with all the emotions that kept coming up for me - mostly fear driven by uncertainty for the future, extreme frustration and anger due to the restriction and noise in our home, and almost constant irritability for not having the space and quiet to do my work. Sitting with these emotions and feeling them deeply did lead to a breakthrough; I ended up having a massive letting go in the form of pressure I had been putting on myself around work and success - all super Aries traits. Through all this suffering I realised that life would become much lighter and easier if I just let go of all the expectations I’d been putting on myself when it comes to growing my new career after quitting my super safe and well-paid job two years ago now.
Letting go of all that and opening myself up to making peace with the idea of trusting my relationship and go beyond fear - was a huge leap of faith I’d never taken before. As the strong independent woman I grew up to be, the idea of fully and wholeheartedly trusting into my man so that I can let go of having to be forever independent at all cost suddenly gave me so much room to breathe. As many women of my age I’m sure, growing up I got the messaging that I should always be independent, that I shouldn’t ever want or need to rely on a man - which although is fair to say that financial freedom gives women the chance to choose as oppose to be trapped in marriage like in the past - it is also an idea that keeps us from truly connecting and trusting our men. For all I know, what makes Joren truly happy is to know that he can take care of me, and he can only really do that if I let him. Looking back at my relationships I always exerted this air of the invincible woman, the one that had it all, the job, the money, the freedom..until in the end I fell on my face burnt out and alone. It’s a fine balance, to be taking care of yourself and making sure you will be fine, and at the same time be able to let go of your guard and trust in someone else. Of course who that someone else is has a role to play, and not all are worthy of being trusted - that’s for sure. But some are, and we won’t ever know until we are able to let go and give them a chance.
Despite the lightness and relief I felt with this big breakthrough last week, this morning I was back in feeling immense fear about the future, and unable to trust in my relationship enough to curb this fear of ‘not having my back’ by being fully independent financially (which is not even true, as even though we have a business together I am technically still financially independent as I have my own savings etc.) Needless to say, the disappointment and near depression that got to me thinking how after having such a breakthrough, here I was back again feeling the same fear as before.
No where to go but here
Here’s where I would say the lockdown is serving us at the moment when dealing with these fears - there’s no where to go but sit with it, decode it, unravel it, reach to the core truth - what is this for a fear? I took pen and paper and started journaling everything that went through my mind. I went to the worse case scenario, my biggest fear, and wrote down all the ways that I would cope if this happened. After having written a page or two, I felt more in control, as if I had outweighed the fear with rational sense. Still though, I could feel the actual sensation of fear in my body, in my chest. Now without attaching a story to it, I closed my eyes and I focused on the raw energy of this fear residing in my chest, consciously letting go as I breathed in and out, giving it a colour and imagining it coming out of me with every exhale, and at the same time telling myself over and over again everything that I wrote down, all the rationally sensible ways that I would cope if my worst fear was to happen.
Practice letting go
You can think answers to these questions, or as I would suggest, journal a few pages on them.
· What emotions have arisen for you these past few weeks / days?
· What is the story you attach to them? Can you trace this story back to a past memory or belief you’ve inherited?
· How is this story keeping you from feeling lighter and relaxed? What would it take to let go?
· Now trace the emotion in your body, and without attaching it to the story, focus on the raw energy. Feel it deeply, consciously let it go, visualise the energy coming off you, and notice how you feel as there is more openness and space created.
Closing
This supermoon may be yet another peak into the emotional rollercoaster ride we’ve been on the past few weeks - all I would say is take care of yourself, don’t hide it, don’t escape it, be with it and watch what happens.
You’re all invited to join my FB group and share any experiences you feel like sharing around this topic. Tonight I’m doing my first live in the group to talk about this process. See you there!
ABOUT ELENA ZOE
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I am a former Googler reborn as conscious & self-aware living advocate.
I’m a speaker, writer and coach passionate about helping people live their best lives by tapping into the Source of their truth, power and true desire.
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